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Lessons Learned

Today has been a rough day. I don't mean since I woke up either! I mean since my sleep was overly interrupted last night.

There's so much on my mind right now. I've talked to the two people I can talk to about anything. These two people know how to listen and comment without being judgemental or opinionated. I feel better because I was able to say what is bothering me., what happened last night and today. These things have me frustrated, upset, confused, hurt, emotional and spiritually tired. I do not want to go into details because it's not worth what may happen or how I may feel about sharing it later.

I think about the things I've been through in my life. From being raised by mother who left an abusive marriage to protect my sister and I. To going to live in a different state with my sister at 15 because my mother and I couldn't get along. To finding my way when I didn't know what a way was. To being an A student in high school without trying to a flunking college student. Falling in love, or at least I thought, to having my heart broken. To becoming saved and reverting to many of those bad traits. To becoming a mother. To becoming spiritual. To becoming a good person.

Learning what real friends are. Learning how to budget money. Learning how to be a woman. Learning how to be a mom and then a good mom. Learning how to not lose myself while loving others.

There was, no is, so many things I was never taught and had to learn on my own. I am thankful for being able to learn from my mistakes. Though I have repeated some. But I'm learning but it's still hard... it still brings tears to my eyes. I am blessed to be here right now.

Thankful for my lessons learned.

I wonder sometimes about the paths I've taken. I am not normally a person who 'shoulda coulda woulda' but I find myself doing it the last few weeks. I think of the choices I've made in the last year. How some have made me a better person. Then how some I'm not so sure about... I'm scared to say I messed up and this isn't what I expected or can deal with. I can, have and will compromise but there is a limit. There has to be a line where we stop and I begin. I think I'm standing on it. I look at the stuff on one side and the things on the other. I'm leaning toward one so much I'm losing my balance.

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