Apearl's Blog

I am learning more and more about myself, life and others everyday. I feel like I view things from the outside at times. Like I’m not really a part of something I am a part of. It’s strange that I am secretly enjoying my new found “freedom”. At first I wasn’t sure if I would enjoy it or not. I find myself clicking with new folks and finding new things to do. I picked up some old activities and now wonder what made me stop doing them. Now, I am not saying I am 100% loving my new “freedom”. I do miss him, but after a moment of two I think of the mean words and actions he did. Then the feeling my heart has now for him returns. I think it’s like when you change jobs or move to a new house. You miss certain aspects of the previous situation, job or home but you are glad you have moved forward. I get the question daily do I think we will reconcile. I honestly am not sure. I don’t want to say no because you should never say never. Though I must admit there is a lot, no… a ton of

It is amazing how much your life can change in one second, one moment, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year. One can mean the difference between life and death, happiness and sadness, celebrating and mourning, winning and losing, bad and good. Your choices are what you have to live with. So make them for you and no one else because tomorrow is not promised. Not promised in life, love, jobs or anything. You can not control anything or anyone but yourself. It seems simple to believe and understand, but I think many of use think “If I do this they will do that.” In reality everyone reacts to stuff differently. You can not control what anyone else thinks, says, does or feels. You can wish, hope and pray what will and won’t happen. Though at the end of the day each individual will do what they want. The weather will be how it is, if you have picnic planned that day or not. The world will continue to revolve while your in hurting, rejoicing, crying, partying and dying. O

Over the last two years I have been through a lot of life changes. Through it all I am still standing. Thankfully God does not put more on you than you can bear! I know that many of you have questions. I tried marriage, worked at it and it didn't work out (atleast with that person). That doesn't change my view on love or marriage, just of him! But those of you who really really know me, know I am GOOD ! I have been through way worse than a relationship gone bad and God has taken care of me every time. I know that he is one man I can truly count on, no matter what! I want to thank everyone for their prayers, concerns, kind words and encouragement during my struggle the last few months and especially the last few weeks. Each of you made what I was going through easier and opened my eyes. I realize now that there is a bigger and better blessing for me out there. Who am I to kick and scream about what was or what I wanted, God controls my life and my destiny. I will cont

This evening I was looking at new blog designs and came across one I liked. I have had the same blog design since I began blogging on blogspot and wanted a change. Though I love, love, love my pin-up girl =) When I came to my page to add the new code, I realized how relevant my current blog design is to my life. I have been battling with blogging about my marriage issues and status. Even though I began blogging while planning our wedding I wasn’t sure how much to share about the current status and issues. Now I realize I want to share my thought, fears, and feelings. Not only because I’m sure I am beginning a new journey in my life, but because I hope it can help someone else. My blog’s current design says “He loves me. He loves me not.” WOW at how real that is toward my current position. On Sunday, April 13th my husband told me he wanted to separate. We had been having issues of many types since… well within weeks of saying “I Do.” There is a lot that goes into it. There we

Over the last few months I have been through a lot emotionally. I have come to realize that each person journey is different and I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I am going through. I have learned that no matter how much you love some else you must love yourself first and foremost. That it is important to keep your word. Even if the other person does not. I feel I learned and I’m still learning a lesson. I do not feel that any relationship should be extremely hard work. Things that are worth having are worth fighting for, but there is a level to it. When disrespect and any abuse become present the level is being reached. I feel like this is an amazing time in my life. Though I am going through a lot of hurt and pain right now I see how much I have. In the last few days I have realized how much I am blessed with or without certain elements in my life. I took some time today to look at pictures of myself and my daughter since birth up until now. I thought of what I was going thro

Now that I am confidently standing on my own two feet, I can not forget who I was, what I felt and how hard it was for me during those times. Many of us including myself forget about the phases and situations we went through. We see others in them, but do not have compassion. We do not offer advise, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold or anything. We feel like we don’t understand why they are doing this and that, but in reality we can relate in some way. At times I feel we all forget where we came from, what we have been through and how we were. I don’t only mean this in the “Moving on up” Jefferson’s way. I mean this in many ways. Situations you have been in, emotions you’ve felt, things you struggled with, painful things you went through and how hard it was at those times. I am going to share my “phases” and hopefully you will be able to relate. If not personally, maybe you know someone who is going or went through them. I have been: * Selfish * Lazy * Mean * Jealous * Sad * Broken

The last few weeks I have had a certain conversation with quite a few friends. These conversations were not all at once or planned. I realized today that their concerns and views are the same of many, including me. We find ourselves feeling like we are not where WE think we should be in life or “by now”. I realize that this idea that we are keeping is like a weed in our lovely manicured laws. Who says what any of us should be doing or “at” in life at 21, 26, 32, 37, 40 and 45? One of the friends I had this conversation with is 26 just like me. She graduated from college in 2004. She stated to me how she felt she should be further in to her career and on her way to being engaged by now. She said she felt unsuccessful because she didn’t have what she thought she would at this age. She feels she made some wrong choices in her career and previous relationships. After to talking to her I thought about all the self-expectations we have for ourselves. From degrees to our careers to o

Today I attended Sunday morning worship service at Ebenezer Baptist Church . This is the church my grandmother attended for many years and my mother attended the early years of my life. I have been looking for a new church home the last two months. I was attending a church of a family friends’ in East Point off and on for the last two years. I want to find a church I like and feel I want to join. Today I felt that feeling. I really enjoyed service there. I was like a breath of fresh air! I must admit there are certain things I do not want in a church I attend. I don’t feel the need to be there all day. I like service to give me what I need in 1 to 2 hours. I have a short attention span and struggle after the two hour mark. I like a church of mixed races (or at least where they feel comfortable), and age groups financial situations. I enjoy churches where the sermon is preached in a way that everyone can relate. From age 14 to 80. Today, I saw and experienced all those thi

Today was the 40th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King’s assassination . It is a blessing that we were allowed to have a wonderful and powerful man like this on Earth. Though it is so sad that his time here was so short. After watching several specials on Dr. King, I began to wonder how much has America, race relations and economic relations changed over the last 40 years. I looked at several articles about this online today. It seems like this is a question many are asking. A quote for Dr. King is on my mind today. It is a quote from his last Sunday sermon at Washington National Cathedral in 1968. " There is nothing new about poverty. What is new is that we now have the means and the know-how to lift every child out of poverty. The real question is whether we have the will! " It is amazing how this statement is still 100% true today. How much has changed? How much has not? I personally didn’t realize the large differences in economic class until Hurrican Katrina. I grew up

When are you and your significant other’s(SO) differences and issues to much? They say opposites attract, but how much is too much. He eats what you’re allergic to. She snores and it keeps you up at night. He isn’t there for you enough. She complains to much. He puts you down. She doesn’t spend money wisely. He is not fulfilling you sexually. She doesn’t discuss major decisions with you. He’s not ready for the commitment you want. No relationship is perfect, but there is a line between right and not so right. For each person it’s different. I feel there are a few levels to what breaks the deal. There are deal breakers. Things that can happen once or twice and you throw up the deuces and peace out. Like cheating, abuse and stealing. Then there are the in-betweens. The things that you let slide, depending on how much you like/love the person. Like the way they talk, how they handle certain things, snoring, other traits and habits. These things may be annoying, but you can live with them.